Went to 15 galleries today…

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Had a hard time deciding which series to use. I think the separated series create a stronger sense of emptiness. However, my focus is on the useless attempts, and the layered series create a stronger narrative of continuous attempts that add up weight in the frame so that the frame falls. I think I prefer it as a single storyline instead of parallel photos. And I decided to use the empty fallen frame as the last photo to create a contrast with the last photo and comparison with the first photo:

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Talked to Clare about my shooting plan yesterday. I was planning to have the things layered in the frame because I thought if I shot the things in the frame separately, it would be too ordered and those attempts might happen at the same time. Clare told me that sense of disorder could also be created through disorder of displaying (scale/gap), which brought different sense of time/sound while viewing the photos. Also, as I was shooting at an intimate space, Clare mentioned I could display the photos in a small space. She also suggested I could try different frames, which I’m not sure about yet, because the frame represents my inside world and I’m afraid there’re too many variations, which could be confusing. I have to think about the presentation at the end though.

I tried to shoot things in the frame separately first:

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Then I spent 8 hours to make the neon letters…

Today tried shooting layered things in the frame:

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I had a hard time deciding if i wanted sunlight on the wall. For layered series, I got sunlight from the last three settings. I decided to keep it because it created a contrast between the wonderful outside world and the broken inside world. And I selected the following 6 photos:

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For separated series, there’s only sunlight for the empty frame and the hanger and it would look strange with the rest photos without sunlight. So I decided not to have sunlight:

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I have to think which series I want.

Still exploring the same idea: useless attempt to seek external distractions to fill my empty inside. Remembering Chalkie asked me what would be my fix for the emptiness at the critique, and I answered connection to other human beings. Then I thought that the first thing I would attempt to do was to talk to people. I thought of Tracey Emin’s work:

Text messages are probably the most common way to go to someone at the first step. Neon relies on electricity to light up, which is more related to digital texts. At the beginning I was thinking about using “Hi how are you” as the usual first sentence when I talked to someone, then I decided to use keyboard letters as it contained all possible content of communication. And I was inspired by Tishan Hsu’s installation:

I was very attracted by the use of the infusion tube. It applies to the attempt of seeking external resources to fix internal problems while it’s obviously useless. So I want to use the neon tube to attach to my hand to indicate I’m trying to get external communication to make myself feel better. Then I saw the paint frame in my room. I removed the paint:

Tried to make wire letters today for neon letters:

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The sense of emptiness made me think of empty hanger. I put a hanger in the frame:

The empty hanger means the clothes are being used. Putting on clothes is the necessary step to go out. It’s the second attempt. I want to create a scene of being buried in clothes, indicating the effort of trying, inspired by Francesca Woodman’s photos:

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As I’m going to use white neon (I don’t want to use other color because I don’t have reason for that. Although the texts on mobile phones are black, at least texts on laptop keyboards are white), I was worried that it would not be obvious on white wall. I tried to add back the wood plate in the frame:

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When I was thinking about what’s related to connection, I thought of weaving. So I want to use paper weaving in the frame and I want to weave my arms into the paper strips in the end. I use paper because it can be easily broken. And I remember there’s an artist saying paper as skin, which relates to human beings better. The action of my arms indicates the attempt of connection.

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At the end, I want everything to fall to show they’re useless attempts. I still want to use daylight because daytime requires people to do things and interact with the outside world. Nighttime just looks depressive and heavy in photos, which is not the feeling I’m trying to express.

1. It’s interesting to see voice of words generating relevant images. However, if each icon has to be set with a trigger word, won’t it be endless work? Or if it’s an open platform, maybe users can upload icons and trigger words to expand the collection. However, it also requires endless reviews to control the quality? Otherwise, won’t it be too messy?
2. I couldn’t relate the installation to sex till I was told there would be sexual sound in the headphone. However, I’m still not sure about the look of the sculpture. It’s hard for me to relate it to internal sexual organs. And for the projection of texts, I think it makes more sense if viewers can see the process of writing by the robot.
3. I actually wonder what’s bad about classification. Does it change what we sense/perceive? Isn’t it just a way for people to communicate?

I’m always fascinated by artwork combined with electricity probably because I’m not able to do it and the interaction element gives artwork more vitality. All of them have done a lot of theory research, which I lack I think.

Advice from writing tutorial:

• Always input my thoughts while talking about the practitioner’s work.
• Compare the pieces of work and find the links.
• Do more research on academic journals and books.
• Include her influences.
• Talk about how her work relates to other photographers/sits in the photography fields/movements at that time or before.

I had thought that my research on books was not enough and I would try to do it after this project as I have to focus on practice now.

• To my point of bed is where we don’t interact with the outside world consciously, Nathan said to him bed’s where he thought/worried, even in dreams, we were pulling from our life. I did have considered that we might still be thinking/interacting with the outside world in dreams, however, I still think that’s unconscious and they weren’t really controlled by us. Although Louisa and Elodie mentioned dreams could be controlled, which I had considered as well, I think it’s an exception, which is not natural or common.
• Olivia observed contained feathers (in the duvet) and the free/loose ones. I had thought about feathers in the duvet as well. I think it can be relevant because while sleeping in bed, that’s when I don’t have the conscious to feel empty/apart, and the feathers hold together as a whole.
• Elodie said this photo’s sexual because of the reclined position:

• Chalkie mentioned about Zeus – impregnation by light. I had not heard about it but it’s not the direction I want to go towards.
• Yash talked to me privately about her experience of depression because of loneliness. It’s heavy and it’s dragging her down. It’s like clouds just before pouring rain. I completely get that feeling, which I have sometimes. But what I’m trying to express is not really the same. The heaviness of depression and loneliness can be strongly felt, but emptiness is usually not so obvious. It’s when I don’t know what I want and what I feel, almost an absence of any feeling. But it’s really nice of her sharing her experience with me.

I’m not sure if I got anything specifically helpful from the critic and I still completely don’t know what to do next. I get the idea of ideas generated through process/practice, but I don’t think I’m able to do it with a tight deadline. I don’t know what to start with.

Yesterday made a mind map about Nan Goldin and started to write for the outcome:

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I was going to write about five pieces of her work. But Aleya suggested three with 500 words each and 300 words for intro and 200 for sum.

In the afternoon, I went to Nan Goldin’s exhibition Sirens because I was going to write about her new work Memory Lost. Recording was not allowed so I would not post any image from the slideshow here.

Context: In 2017, she founded Prescription Addiction Intervention Now.^[1]

Description: It is a new digital slideshow, recounting a life lived through a lens of drug addiction. This captivating, beautiful and haunting journey unfolds through an assemblage of intimate and personal imagery to offer a poignant reflection on memory and the darkness of addiction. It is one of the most moving, personal and visually arresting narratives of Goldin’s career to date, and is accompanied by an emotionally charged new score commissioned from composer and instrumentalist Mica Levi. Documenting a life at once familiar and reframed, new archival imagery is cast to portray memory as lived and witnessed experience, yet altered and lost through the effects of drugs.^[2]

Relations to social, political and cultural issues: There is a discussion as to whether dope is worse for the memory than coke, and if booze is worst of all.^[3]

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^[1] ‘Nan Goldin brings her empathy and activism to London’, Louisa Buck (21 November 2019) https://www.theartnewspaper.com/blog/nan-goldin-brings-her-empathy-and-activism-to-london [Accessed 23 November 2019].

^[2] ‘Nan Goldin Sirens’, MARIAN GOODMAN GALLERY https://www.mariangoodman.com/exhibitions/351-nan-goldin-sirens/ [Accessed 25 November 2019].

^[3] ‘Nan Goldin review – Gut-wrenching, brilliant and beautiful. I cannot turn away’, Adrian Searle https://www.theguardian.com/artanddesign/2019/nov/14/nan-goldin-review-marian-goodman-gallery-london-gut-wrenching-brilliant-beautiiful [Accessed 25 November 2019].

There are not only still images but also several short footage of Greer Lankton from “I’ll Be Your Mirror” (1995), which is new from her early slideshows.

There’re moments of friends laughing, crying and having sex. Most images are of high contrast and saturation, very colorful, showing the significance and strong mood of those moments. The low quality and high noise of the images show the distance and age of memories. Unsteady footage, images out of focus, blurred, over exposed, multiply exposed or hard to recognize and burnt photos show those messy, confusing and lost memories. Most moments are in the evening, like the darkness of addiction.

There’re also many landscapes, skies of low contrast, suggesting the miserable future the addicts cannot see clearly and their difficulties to interact with the outside world. Images of people in nature almost fading away suggest the weak existence of addicts. Some images of birds and sun suggest their hope to be free from addiction. Images of religious icons suggest their desire to maintain or gain belief in life. Images of water and people in water suggest the detachment and helplessness of addicts. Images of fire suggest the power of addiction to make memories disappear. Images of drugs, beds and rooms show the environment the addicts live with most of time. There’re also some Goldin’s self-portraits, mostly smoking, making the work more powerful as it’s based on her own addiction experience.

Negative slow music adds sad atmosphere. Recordings of phone messages and interviews sound unclear, indicating unreliable memories and those weak supports to the addicts. I can especially remember the repeated “wake up”. I can image how many times the addicts scream at themselves inside to wake up and how it is useless.

There’re also photos exhibited. I was surprised by how bright they were. I didn’t think they were light boxes. They were just framed with glass and lit up by spotlights. They just really looked like they were light boxes:

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I also read The Ballad of Sexual Dependency and I’ll Be Your Mirror at the gallery.

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Finding that there’re many repetitions of same photos in Goldin’s different pieces of work through the years, I feel Goldin’s medium is more slideshow or photobook instead of photography.

…there is an advantage to the slide show because it can be constantly reedited. The editing is subjective; it’s affected by how I’m feeling about the issues it explores at the time I’m working on it. It can become brutal and violent according to how angry I feel. Other times it can be more optimistic.

It’s my Leaves of Grass, constantly updated and revised.

Melissa Harris, Michael Famighetti, Aperture Foundation (eds.), Aperture Conversations: 1985 to the Present (Switzerland: AVA Publishing SA, 2018).

My genius, if I have any, is in the slideshows, in the narratives. It is not in making perfect images. It is in the groupings of work.

http://fototapeta.art.pl/2003/ngie.php

Compared to her technical photography skills, I think she’s more skilled at connecting with people and seeing and reading people’s emotions and mood, which gives her photos powerful emotions that others can feel.

I have to finish the essay plan today! Have been working on it for a week…

Fog is weird….

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It’s interesting how failure means different to people. To me, especially when I’m here, failure mainly comes from assessments from tutors or classmates when they don’t think my work tells my ideas while to Teresa Zeng, failure comes from herself when things go out of her plans.

To turn my previous artwork into a failure, I had no clue at the beginning how to start. To get a failed result while trying to work out the same idea is just self-contradicting. But anyways, I started by disassembling my object:

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Then I separated the last bit of mixture of nails and wool:

As originally it’s wool with nails hidden inside and the idea is irresistible desire to get close to the attractive, forms that could hurt me emotionally. To fail this intention, I suddenly got the idea of hiding wool inside nails to create an effect of repulsion winning over attraction:

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In the process, I suddenly got another idea of hiding one nail in wool so that it looked completely harmless till you really got into it:

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I thought it similar to relationships among human beings when you wouldn’t find a person harmful till you really got close to that person.

Edited the rest two photos:

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